thoughts.

I've been thinking a lot bout the future lately.

I've thought for a long time that I was gonna get a job the first summer I could, save up some cash, get my ass to college as soon as I graduate and move to California and find my way from there.

I don't think I wanna do that anymore. I already said that I wasn't sure about fashion anymore, and now I don't want California either.
I don't need a superficial, expensive place like LA to be happy. I don't need to work for a big fashion label to get money to live, nor should I have to go to a job that I don't love just for money (ahem, pharmacy). that's just stupid, isn't it?

my real dream (for now at least, this stuff always changes), is to stay here in Missouri, maybe even Kansas City, and open my own craft shop type thing downtown. There's nothing better than having a crafting day, just making bows and headbands and all that good stuff. :D
and think of all the possibilities. It would be MY shop. I could stock all the stuff I usually make anyway, and do way more. Make jewelry, sew, screen print shirts, and whatever else I wanna do. It'd be AWESOME.
and at this point, I couldn't care less about how much money it makes me. I'd be so happy.
and it would mean that I can stay with my family and friends.
it just sounds like.. pure awesome to me.

today has been a change of heart day, obviously. I've been starting to question myself, like at the time right before you sleep when you get really into thinking, or when you're alone at home.

I think it was a good change of heart, brought on mostly by talking to my brother for once today.
Riley, I know you're not reading this, but big brother you mean the world to me and I'm sorry I never talk to you. Don't think I hate you anymore, please. I don't.

Also, I need to be more honest with myself and my feelings. I put on such a front when I'm unhappy, and I've created this totally bubbly, cutesy girl that I try to be all the time. I'm not that happy 24/7, I don't think anyone is.

finally, I need to address an on-going argument..
In all honesty, if I were offered weed today, I would take it, no question. I don't think it's that dangerous, I don't think it'll ruin me.
if anything, I think it'll make me better. Weed is supposed to be a miracle drug, that can either be used to ignore your problems and keep you sane, or lead you down the path to self discovery and help you relax. Of course, the second is what I want. I don't see what's the problem with that, if a person were to smoke a little every few days. It's not that addictive. You can't overdose. No one has ever died from using weed. If anything, alcohol and tobacco should be illegal, not weed. How many people die from the cancers tobacco give you and accidents with alcohol? plenty. How many people have died from a weed related accident? Zero.
I understand you're looking out for me, and it's cause you care. I just want you to know that I don't want to argue about it anymore. and I do appreciate you looking out for me.
It's just one of those things you can't change my mind on.