damnit. I was pretty excited for this weekend.
since we have no school friday, my mom and I were gonna go shopping for dresses and a new outfit for my sister's baby shower. basically, it supposed to be a fun and relaxing day. I was gonna work with Simon a lot too, I've been improving like crazy on guitar.
buuuuut thanks to stupid ass orchestra, basically my whole friday is eaten up by some gay ass contest. :/
from 2:30 to 7:00. all to play in front of 2 judges and get a score.
woopdedoo?
eh, I'm just grouchy cause I hate orchestra. It's really not a huge deal, since we can still go shopping right before, we'll be rushed, but whatever.
we gotta wear the geekyfaggot wear, of which I hate with a passion. And apparently, the ruffly dress shirt I have with my skirt and black tights is bad, since everyone else has the traditional white button up and black pants.
uh, teacher, I follow your damn dress code with a black skirt and black tights, and yes, my shirt is white so SUCK IT BITCH!!
also got an annoying school talk in the car on the way home from the orch. concert tonight.
I feel bad that I'm disappointing my parents with my not-so-hot grades, but honestly, idgaf about school or homework. I'm gettin As n shit on tests, I just don't turn in homework, which brings me down to a B-/C. Do I care? Nah. C is average.
blech. I'll be very glad when summer comes.
and when I finally quit orchestra next year.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Monday, February 22, 2010
thoughts.
I've been thinking a lot bout the future lately.
I've thought for a long time that I was gonna get a job the first summer I could, save up some cash, get my ass to college as soon as I graduate and move to California and find my way from there.
I don't think I wanna do that anymore. I already said that I wasn't sure about fashion anymore, and now I don't want California either.
I don't need a superficial, expensive place like LA to be happy. I don't need to work for a big fashion label to get money to live, nor should I have to go to a job that I don't love just for money (ahem, pharmacy). that's just stupid, isn't it?
my real dream (for now at least, this stuff always changes), is to stay here in Missouri, maybe even Kansas City, and open my own craft shop type thing downtown. There's nothing better than having a crafting day, just making bows and headbands and all that good stuff. :D
and think of all the possibilities. It would be MY shop. I could stock all the stuff I usually make anyway, and do way more. Make jewelry, sew, screen print shirts, and whatever else I wanna do. It'd be AWESOME.
and at this point, I couldn't care less about how much money it makes me. I'd be so happy.
and it would mean that I can stay with my family and friends.
it just sounds like.. pure awesome to me.
today has been a change of heart day, obviously. I've been starting to question myself, like at the time right before you sleep when you get really into thinking, or when you're alone at home.
I think it was a good change of heart, brought on mostly by talking to my brother for once today.
Riley, I know you're not reading this, but big brother you mean the world to me and I'm sorry I never talk to you. Don't think I hate you anymore, please. I don't.
Also, I need to be more honest with myself and my feelings. I put on such a front when I'm unhappy, and I've created this totally bubbly, cutesy girl that I try to be all the time. I'm not that happy 24/7, I don't think anyone is.
finally, I need to address an on-going argument..
In all honesty, if I were offered weed today, I would take it, no question. I don't think it's that dangerous, I don't think it'll ruin me.
if anything, I think it'll make me better. Weed is supposed to be a miracle drug, that can either be used to ignore your problems and keep you sane, or lead you down the path to self discovery and help you relax. Of course, the second is what I want. I don't see what's the problem with that, if a person were to smoke a little every few days. It's not that addictive. You can't overdose. No one has ever died from using weed. If anything, alcohol and tobacco should be illegal, not weed. How many people die from the cancers tobacco give you and accidents with alcohol? plenty. How many people have died from a weed related accident? Zero.
I understand you're looking out for me, and it's cause you care. I just want you to know that I don't want to argue about it anymore. and I do appreciate you looking out for me.
It's just one of those things you can't change my mind on.
I've thought for a long time that I was gonna get a job the first summer I could, save up some cash, get my ass to college as soon as I graduate and move to California and find my way from there.
I don't think I wanna do that anymore. I already said that I wasn't sure about fashion anymore, and now I don't want California either.
I don't need a superficial, expensive place like LA to be happy. I don't need to work for a big fashion label to get money to live, nor should I have to go to a job that I don't love just for money (ahem, pharmacy). that's just stupid, isn't it?
my real dream (for now at least, this stuff always changes), is to stay here in Missouri, maybe even Kansas City, and open my own craft shop type thing downtown. There's nothing better than having a crafting day, just making bows and headbands and all that good stuff. :D
and think of all the possibilities. It would be MY shop. I could stock all the stuff I usually make anyway, and do way more. Make jewelry, sew, screen print shirts, and whatever else I wanna do. It'd be AWESOME.
and at this point, I couldn't care less about how much money it makes me. I'd be so happy.
and it would mean that I can stay with my family and friends.
it just sounds like.. pure awesome to me.
today has been a change of heart day, obviously. I've been starting to question myself, like at the time right before you sleep when you get really into thinking, or when you're alone at home.
I think it was a good change of heart, brought on mostly by talking to my brother for once today.
Riley, I know you're not reading this, but big brother you mean the world to me and I'm sorry I never talk to you. Don't think I hate you anymore, please. I don't.
Also, I need to be more honest with myself and my feelings. I put on such a front when I'm unhappy, and I've created this totally bubbly, cutesy girl that I try to be all the time. I'm not that happy 24/7, I don't think anyone is.
finally, I need to address an on-going argument..
In all honesty, if I were offered weed today, I would take it, no question. I don't think it's that dangerous, I don't think it'll ruin me.
if anything, I think it'll make me better. Weed is supposed to be a miracle drug, that can either be used to ignore your problems and keep you sane, or lead you down the path to self discovery and help you relax. Of course, the second is what I want. I don't see what's the problem with that, if a person were to smoke a little every few days. It's not that addictive. You can't overdose. No one has ever died from using weed. If anything, alcohol and tobacco should be illegal, not weed. How many people die from the cancers tobacco give you and accidents with alcohol? plenty. How many people have died from a weed related accident? Zero.
I understand you're looking out for me, and it's cause you care. I just want you to know that I don't want to argue about it anymore. and I do appreciate you looking out for me.
It's just one of those things you can't change my mind on.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
build me up, buttercup don't break my heart
for the past few days, I've been afraid to well, emo dump on peeps. I don't want to anymore. I feel guilty after I do it, since it's mostly the same stuff. Who wants to hear me whine repeatedly about the same stuff?
Instead, Simon helps me let out my frustration. Simon being my guitar, for those of you who didn't know.. finally named him. :D
but yeah. Simon is my best stress reliever at the moment. and surprisingly, singing. don't worry, no one's ear shall be bleeding at the sound of my screeching. I do it in secret. although my poor mother has definitely heard my screeching on several occasions, when I get too into a song with Simon..
I was considering supplying myself with a beginner ukulele sometime soon, but from the looks of things that shall not be happening..
on a awesome note, these next few weeks are bound to be fantastic
Friday- Anne's party, stayin there till the depths of the night.
Saturday- Get up early, probs still groggy from the party and head off to naka kon with trina
Sunday- more naka kon bitches
next Saturday- sister's baby shower
march 14th- possibility of flogging molly concert with trina? my parents demand my dad comes with us if I do go. this would be a nice thing to look forward to, since I have NHD the day before this which I am not looking forward to.
Instead, Simon helps me let out my frustration. Simon being my guitar, for those of you who didn't know.. finally named him. :D
but yeah. Simon is my best stress reliever at the moment. and surprisingly, singing. don't worry, no one's ear shall be bleeding at the sound of my screeching. I do it in secret. although my poor mother has definitely heard my screeching on several occasions, when I get too into a song with Simon..
I was considering supplying myself with a beginner ukulele sometime soon, but from the looks of things that shall not be happening..
on a awesome note, these next few weeks are bound to be fantastic
Friday- Anne's party, stayin there till the depths of the night.
Saturday- Get up early, probs still groggy from the party and head off to naka kon with trina
Sunday- more naka kon bitches
next Saturday- sister's baby shower
march 14th- possibility of flogging molly concert with trina? my parents demand my dad comes with us if I do go. this would be a nice thing to look forward to, since I have NHD the day before this which I am not looking forward to.
Monday, February 8, 2010
[insert witty title here]
today was alright.
at this point tonight though, I'm just kinda frustrated.
NHD, you make me wanna spoon out my organs through my bellybutton.
...
I would say fuck that and pity myself, but I'm more mature than that, and I'm used to it by now.
so I'll listen to whatever you have to say. even if I don't like it. It's none of my business anyway.
I would also say I don't give a fuck, but the truth is I do and it's pointless to say I don't.
I can accept it. I do accept it.
Guess I need to review my priorities, don't I?
at this point tonight though, I'm just kinda frustrated.
NHD, you make me wanna spoon out my organs through my bellybutton.
...
I would say fuck that and pity myself, but I'm more mature than that, and I'm used to it by now.
so I'll listen to whatever you have to say. even if I don't like it. It's none of my business anyway.
I would also say I don't give a fuck, but the truth is I do and it's pointless to say I don't.
I can accept it. I do accept it.
Guess I need to review my priorities, don't I?
Sunday, February 7, 2010
it's not that I'm letting go of you, it's that I don't know what to do
today: 20% work, 80% useless shit :D
20% was spent on a little bit of NHD. aka, I got just about nothing done. and it's due on Wednesday. I'm pretty much screwed at this point. I'm too lazy when it comes to school stuff. I just don't care. which is starting to really screw my grades. not that I care about those either.
the remaining 80% of my day was spent singing and having a good time with my guitar. I love it again. Actually, I don't really think I ever loved it, that worthless teacher I had for all those years really ruined it for me for a while there. Looking back at it, I wish I would have had the balls to tell my parents I hated her and lessons earlier. Lots of money and time wasted.
but oh well. I'm just glad I'm finally using it for stuff I LIKE now. like 'it's the end of the world as we know it'. seriously, that song is the shit to sing and play. I'm still getting down doing so at the same time, the lyrics in that song go effing fast. but it's fun.
I'm starting to slowly finish these songs I started. chances are good no one will ever hear them, but it's still fun to write them.
the two I started a few days ago are like part one and two. they go together. A side and B side.
A side is the love song. It's happy and cheery and fun to sing. the B side is the heartbreak, I wanna kick ass now part. It's also pretty happy sounding, so that the lyrics and the beat and singing totally differ from each other. I like it.
with the B side, it seems too early to finish for me. so I'm gonna get the A side done first. when I need the B side finished, it'll get done. and be better than what it would be if I finished it now. ;)
also watched Milk today. such a good movie. I cried at the end, after I yelled "WHAT THE FUCK?!?" all loud. they're were parts in the movie that surprised me. it was even more sad when you take into consideration the movie was a true story. All of the characters were real people and casted perfectly. Hell, they looked like the real peeps!
hella good movie.
last thing, I got my giveaway shirt yesterday!! I was starting to think I'd never get it, lol. It's so purdy and cuuute. 8D
20% was spent on a little bit of NHD. aka, I got just about nothing done. and it's due on Wednesday. I'm pretty much screwed at this point. I'm too lazy when it comes to school stuff. I just don't care. which is starting to really screw my grades. not that I care about those either.
the remaining 80% of my day was spent singing and having a good time with my guitar. I love it again. Actually, I don't really think I ever loved it, that worthless teacher I had for all those years really ruined it for me for a while there. Looking back at it, I wish I would have had the balls to tell my parents I hated her and lessons earlier. Lots of money and time wasted.
but oh well. I'm just glad I'm finally using it for stuff I LIKE now. like 'it's the end of the world as we know it'. seriously, that song is the shit to sing and play. I'm still getting down doing so at the same time, the lyrics in that song go effing fast. but it's fun.
I'm starting to slowly finish these songs I started. chances are good no one will ever hear them, but it's still fun to write them.
the two I started a few days ago are like part one and two. they go together. A side and B side.
A side is the love song. It's happy and cheery and fun to sing. the B side is the heartbreak, I wanna kick ass now part. It's also pretty happy sounding, so that the lyrics and the beat and singing totally differ from each other. I like it.
with the B side, it seems too early to finish for me. so I'm gonna get the A side done first. when I need the B side finished, it'll get done. and be better than what it would be if I finished it now. ;)
also watched Milk today. such a good movie. I cried at the end, after I yelled "WHAT THE FUCK?!?" all loud. they're were parts in the movie that surprised me. it was even more sad when you take into consideration the movie was a true story. All of the characters were real people and casted perfectly. Hell, they looked like the real peeps!
hella good movie.
last thing, I got my giveaway shirt yesterday!! I was starting to think I'd never get it, lol. It's so purdy and cuuute. 8D
Saturday, February 6, 2010
30 compressions, 2 breaths.
I feel like I need to give this blog CPR, cause it was DYING.
I went through just about 300 posts from about the end of last year to a few days ago.
my, my, how quickly things change. Deleted almost all of them, give or take about 9.
I feel as if the start of this new year really WAS a clean slate. when I go back through my crap, it really feels like it is.
and I wanna make this year one I can be proud of.
There's some things I've been thinking about..
One, I think I'm slowly changing my mind again on what I want to do exactly in the future. I thought I had my heart set on fashion, but I'm slowly changing my mind.
If I think about it, I don't want to associate myself with most of the people in that business. I don't even CARE about trends and being in style and all that useless shallow shit. I just like cute stuff and dressing the way I want to. Besides, doing something with a little bit more stability and something that doesn't just rob people's credit cards would be nicer.
I'm thinking about going into the medical field. By medical field, I mean pharmacy. It's simple, you get paid a hella lot, and I like medical stuff so why not?
eh, it's just a thought. it's been my backup plan for a while.
I don't really need to know what I want to do, and it's nothing to stress about so I'm just not gonna worry about it for now.
Two, I decided I want to start to volunteer somewhere.
I REALLY want to help around an old folks home, but a hospital would also work out. I've been wanting to do it for soooo long, I'm ready to start.
I'm gonna talk to the parents about it later, and see what they think and help me out finding places I can go. :D
Third, I'm still 50/50 on getting a job this summer. idk what to do still. we'll see what happens.
and on a totally different note, getting back into guitar and a little bit of lyrical stuff has been good for me.
It's like my get away. I love going downstairs and seeing my notepad next to my guitar and book of chords. I think it's cause I'm like my dad, his getaway is working on that old car of his. Mine is musical stuff, even just listening to music puts me in that feeling of pure ecstasy. I love it.
even violin is getting less of a pain in the ass. I hate playing it at times, but when you put all the parts and instruments together, it creates a giant musical orgasm.
it's freaking amazing.
I went through just about 300 posts from about the end of last year to a few days ago.
my, my, how quickly things change. Deleted almost all of them, give or take about 9.
I feel as if the start of this new year really WAS a clean slate. when I go back through my crap, it really feels like it is.
and I wanna make this year one I can be proud of.
There's some things I've been thinking about..
One, I think I'm slowly changing my mind again on what I want to do exactly in the future. I thought I had my heart set on fashion, but I'm slowly changing my mind.
If I think about it, I don't want to associate myself with most of the people in that business. I don't even CARE about trends and being in style and all that useless shallow shit. I just like cute stuff and dressing the way I want to. Besides, doing something with a little bit more stability and something that doesn't just rob people's credit cards would be nicer.
I'm thinking about going into the medical field. By medical field, I mean pharmacy. It's simple, you get paid a hella lot, and I like medical stuff so why not?
eh, it's just a thought. it's been my backup plan for a while.
I don't really need to know what I want to do, and it's nothing to stress about so I'm just not gonna worry about it for now.
Two, I decided I want to start to volunteer somewhere.
I REALLY want to help around an old folks home, but a hospital would also work out. I've been wanting to do it for soooo long, I'm ready to start.
I'm gonna talk to the parents about it later, and see what they think and help me out finding places I can go. :D
Third, I'm still 50/50 on getting a job this summer. idk what to do still. we'll see what happens.
and on a totally different note, getting back into guitar and a little bit of lyrical stuff has been good for me.
It's like my get away. I love going downstairs and seeing my notepad next to my guitar and book of chords. I think it's cause I'm like my dad, his getaway is working on that old car of his. Mine is musical stuff, even just listening to music puts me in that feeling of pure ecstasy. I love it.
even violin is getting less of a pain in the ass. I hate playing it at times, but when you put all the parts and instruments together, it creates a giant musical orgasm.
it's freaking amazing.
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