blech.

if you couldn't tell, I left this blog. But if you are still interested in following me,
my new blog is:

remirose.tumblr.com

I want summerrrrr.

it's true. I want summer. although I'll be a little sad when the year ends, I gotta admit the nice weather is slowly making think that the freedom and sunnyness of summer is soooo worth it.

this weekend has been good so far.. saw alice in wonderland and did some quickie photoshoots that turned out pretty good.
next weekend will be a mixture of AGH D: and AHH :D because of NHD and Flogging Molly... sooo excited for my first really loud concert, and concert with trina! :D

on a final note, I really want this baby. Yeah jesse, you're slowly ripping off your artistic photographer face. XD
but fo srs.. I can just SEE myself running around with this baby and snappin memories. :D shang, i love you, but I wanna experiment with film very badly. and the idea of solid memories makes me happy. :D

HAPPY TIMEEEE

oh hell yes. except for a few tweaks and cosmetic additions, my NHD PROJECT IS DONE!!
HELL YEA BITCHES!!

this week hasn't been totally amazing or anything, but it has been full of giant reliefs one after another, so I'm grateful. I feel the stress pouring off me. :D
my best friend and I are talking again. Bishop and I finally talked after what was literally weeks of ignoring each other. NHD is off my back and I can play outside in the nice weather. :D
ahh bliss. I think I shall celebrate with a nice good sleep. I'm exhausted. But happy none the less.

Since I don't have a huge project on the back of my mind anymore, I think I'm gonna start crafting and sewing bigger things. I've been doing small hair things and headbands a lot, but I wanna make a freakin dress already damnit!
I'm gonna finally start it later this weekend or something.. and hope it does not miserably fail.

a long good sleep and a face mask to rid me of these hideous stress pimples now.
xoxo.

don't wanna talk, don't wanna talk about it.

NHD is nearing closer and closer. Am I done? uhh... not totally.
so these next few days before friday will be major cram days. not that I have much left, but still.
soo.. DON'T DISTRACT ME TOO MUCH! i get nothing done...

anyway, these past few days have been.. just alright.
I don't wanna sound like a weirdo hippie, but I think I'm getting closer to really starting to find myself. Like, I'm starting to understand myself better, and I'm appreciating things a lot more than I usually do. I guess part of me is finally growing up. I dunno. I've been seeing the growth and improvement, but I guess we all see things differently.

Also, I've been being a bit more spiritual lately. Our church had communion sunday. I don't usually even pay attention, and rather zone out all of church, but i actually LISTENED this time. and lemme tell ya, I'm glad I did. I got a lot of things off my chest that day, I even felt like God was actually listening. I want to be a better person on this earth, and in God's eyes. Don't think I'm a scary Jesus freak for saying that. I'm not, you guys should know me better. But I do think that a person can better themselves with the help of God.
I didn't really wanna share that, cause I know about 50% of my friends couldn't care less about God. But it's part of me, so suck it if you don't like it.

finally, if I'm acting mean or grouchy, it's just that I've been stressed out lately. Don't really want to go into it, cause I just don't feel like talking about it with just about anyone.
so yeah. Sorry if I'm moody. :/

damn.

damnit. I was pretty excited for this weekend.

since we have no school friday, my mom and I were gonna go shopping for dresses and a new outfit for my sister's baby shower. basically, it supposed to be a fun and relaxing day. I was gonna work with Simon a lot too, I've been improving like crazy on guitar.
buuuuut thanks to stupid ass orchestra, basically my whole friday is eaten up by some gay ass contest. :/
from 2:30 to 7:00. all to play in front of 2 judges and get a score.
woopdedoo?

eh, I'm just grouchy cause I hate orchestra. It's really not a huge deal, since we can still go shopping right before, we'll be rushed, but whatever.
we gotta wear the geekyfaggot wear, of which I hate with a passion. And apparently, the ruffly dress shirt I have with my skirt and black tights is bad, since everyone else has the traditional white button up and black pants.
uh, teacher, I follow your damn dress code with a black skirt and black tights, and yes, my shirt is white so SUCK IT BITCH!!

also got an annoying school talk in the car on the way home from the orch. concert tonight.
I feel bad that I'm disappointing my parents with my not-so-hot grades, but honestly, idgaf about school or homework. I'm gettin As n shit on tests, I just don't turn in homework, which brings me down to a B-/C. Do I care? Nah. C is average.

blech. I'll be very glad when summer comes.
and when I finally quit orchestra next year.

thoughts.

I've been thinking a lot bout the future lately.

I've thought for a long time that I was gonna get a job the first summer I could, save up some cash, get my ass to college as soon as I graduate and move to California and find my way from there.

I don't think I wanna do that anymore. I already said that I wasn't sure about fashion anymore, and now I don't want California either.
I don't need a superficial, expensive place like LA to be happy. I don't need to work for a big fashion label to get money to live, nor should I have to go to a job that I don't love just for money (ahem, pharmacy). that's just stupid, isn't it?

my real dream (for now at least, this stuff always changes), is to stay here in Missouri, maybe even Kansas City, and open my own craft shop type thing downtown. There's nothing better than having a crafting day, just making bows and headbands and all that good stuff. :D
and think of all the possibilities. It would be MY shop. I could stock all the stuff I usually make anyway, and do way more. Make jewelry, sew, screen print shirts, and whatever else I wanna do. It'd be AWESOME.
and at this point, I couldn't care less about how much money it makes me. I'd be so happy.
and it would mean that I can stay with my family and friends.
it just sounds like.. pure awesome to me.

today has been a change of heart day, obviously. I've been starting to question myself, like at the time right before you sleep when you get really into thinking, or when you're alone at home.

I think it was a good change of heart, brought on mostly by talking to my brother for once today.
Riley, I know you're not reading this, but big brother you mean the world to me and I'm sorry I never talk to you. Don't think I hate you anymore, please. I don't.

Also, I need to be more honest with myself and my feelings. I put on such a front when I'm unhappy, and I've created this totally bubbly, cutesy girl that I try to be all the time. I'm not that happy 24/7, I don't think anyone is.

finally, I need to address an on-going argument..
In all honesty, if I were offered weed today, I would take it, no question. I don't think it's that dangerous, I don't think it'll ruin me.
if anything, I think it'll make me better. Weed is supposed to be a miracle drug, that can either be used to ignore your problems and keep you sane, or lead you down the path to self discovery and help you relax. Of course, the second is what I want. I don't see what's the problem with that, if a person were to smoke a little every few days. It's not that addictive. You can't overdose. No one has ever died from using weed. If anything, alcohol and tobacco should be illegal, not weed. How many people die from the cancers tobacco give you and accidents with alcohol? plenty. How many people have died from a weed related accident? Zero.
I understand you're looking out for me, and it's cause you care. I just want you to know that I don't want to argue about it anymore. and I do appreciate you looking out for me.
It's just one of those things you can't change my mind on.

build me up, buttercup don't break my heart

for the past few days, I've been afraid to well, emo dump on peeps. I don't want to anymore. I feel guilty after I do it, since it's mostly the same stuff. Who wants to hear me whine repeatedly about the same stuff?

Instead, Simon helps me let out my frustration. Simon being my guitar, for those of you who didn't know.. finally named him. :D
but yeah. Simon is my best stress reliever at the moment. and surprisingly, singing. don't worry, no one's ear shall be bleeding at the sound of my screeching. I do it in secret. although my poor mother has definitely heard my screeching on several occasions, when I get too into a song with Simon..
I was considering supplying myself with a beginner ukulele sometime soon, but from the looks of things that shall not be happening..

on a awesome note, these next few weeks are bound to be fantastic
Friday- Anne's party, stayin there till the depths of the night.
Saturday- Get up early, probs still groggy from the party and head off to naka kon with trina
Sunday- more naka kon bitches
next Saturday- sister's baby shower
march 14th- possibility of flogging molly concert with trina? my parents demand my dad comes with us if I do go. this would be a nice thing to look forward to, since I have NHD the day before this which I am not looking forward to.